I Lost It.

I woke up to a call from my mother, My day had already been ruined because I knew it was not a good phone call.  When she tells me- my GreatUncle had passed.  

• I lost it.  

I knew the day was coming due to his cancer of 9 long months, but you can never prepare yourself for the final day.  Horrible news is always unwanted.  I cried, I cried, I sobbed, I sobbed.  Things were not supposed to be like this.  He was one of the few whom I knew my entire life.  How was I to go on without him by my side?  I rushed to his apartment complex with my sisters to only find an elevator packed of my family members & one stranger.. A stranger who happened to be the only one not crying.. who was he? When my uncle runs to me- leaving a slight open view of who was being surrounded in the elevator, my GreatUncle in a body-bag. With the stranger who was taking him away.

• I lost it. 

My uncle rushed to me and held me up as I sobbed in disbelief.  I needed that much more time to tell him that I Love Him.  We go on up to the apartment, to find my family members.  I could not keep going in, I stayed by the door, shaking, crying & hurt to believe the unwanted.

• I lost it.  

I saw my family in pain & I knew I was not the only one- I hate seeing my family hurt.

• I lost it. 

I saw my GreatAunt & held her tight while we both cried on each others shoulder.

• Hours pass.  

We go down to the lobby & have a prayer.  

• I lost it.  

I mourn. Music is off. Blank stares on faces. Red eyes. People shaking. My family is hurt.  We stayed close throughout the weekend, having countless prayers to him.  ”Pray to him, those are his most desired flowers.”  

• Monday.  

The wake funeral was being held.  I saw all of my family members from New York, New Jersey, Florida, Massachusetts- etc.. they were everywhere.  The place was packed.

• Over capacity.  

I saw my GreatUncle from a distance laying in a dark, shiny & perfectly chiseled wood coffin.  

• I lost it.  

He looked peaceful.  I was peaceful.

• I held it.  

It was all but tears in that room full of family & friends but we all felt some sort of relief.  We began to accept it. It was good to be around them.  It’s unfortunate, the only time we ALL see each other is when something bad has happened.  I met a lot of my new family members.  Good to have them around.  I was feeling better but I was not looking forward to the next day.  Little did I know, It was only to be worse..

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

• Tuesday.  

5am. Instantly heard screaming. I jumped out of bed without realizing anything, threw everything on me off of me, my mattress slid off my bed.  I woke up scared & rapidly. I heard my mother yelling, screaming & in pain. “Papa!” I rushed down the steps thinking the worst & expecting the worst. I thought it was my father.

• Again, I lost it. 

I never thought about the person my Mother was actually crying about.  

• My GrandFather. 

Little did I know I was to wake up to attend my GreatUncles funeral & to hear my mother yelling and stomping.  My GrandFather, Loreto Silvas, had died.

• I lost it.  

How could this be happening?  We booked my Mother & Aunt a flight to Los Angeles, LAX to then hit Mexico.  It was all hectic she left within an hour.  She was now on her way to New York, JFK.  Too much was happening at once. I wish to had spent more time with him, but it is hard because he was in Mexico.  Knowing I won’t be able to see him again, hurt me like never before.

• I lost it.  

He was not sick, he was healthy.  What happened?  We didn’t know, we didn’t have a clear answer. It was hard not knowing what happened.  It was even harder knowing he died alone.  

• I lost it. 

It was then time to go to my GreatUncles church service, It was hard knowing my GrandFather was also looking down on us.  Knowing I lost another part of me was hard.  My family was around me for support.

• We lost it.

Rest In Peace Rafael Guzman.

Rest In Peace Loreto Silvas.

I Love You with everything I have and more. These words were close to nothing on explain how much I miss you & how much I love you.  My heart is hurting but I know you are watching over us all.  Just know I will always love you & carry the memories around with me EVERYWHERE I go.

I LOVE YOU.

-Yours.